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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27456520">Fury and the Merc with a Mouth</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bl4ckHunter/pseuds/Bl4ckHunter'>Bl4ckHunter</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Daredevil (TV), Deadpool - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Hitman's Bodyguard (2017)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Adventure, Crack Fic, Humor, Other</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 17:03:19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,951</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27456520</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bl4ckHunter/pseuds/Bl4ckHunter</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>One-shot story. Crack fic. Based on The Hitman's Bodyguard. Deadpool and Elektra end up guarding Nick Fury, how many things could go wrong?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Fury and the Merc with a Mouth</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Just something I thought would be fun. Based on an action comedy film The Hitman's Bodyguard that I watched recently, with Ryan Reynolds, Élodie Yung and Samuel L. Jackson. For the sake of this story, no scars or healing factor for Wade here.</p><p>Disclaimer: I do not own Marvel Cinematic Universe.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Who did you call, Natchios?" Fury asked, as he was in a motel room with Elektra, whilst bandaging his cut leg in his bedroom.</p><p>"They're after you, Fury and they followed me. And as much as I'd like to call Matthew or Natalia, I need to hire the last person on this world that I would." Elektra said, while waiting at the door.</p><p>A moment later, the doorbell rang and Elektra opened the door to one Wade Wilson as she glared at him and pulled out a knife.</p><p>"Go ahead. You know, we can go through the motions like in our last movie." Wade quipped and Elektra rolled her eyes at his antics as she let him in, while he brought in a duffel bag and a briefcase. "You called?"</p><p>"A high value transport." Elektra said.</p><p>"Oh, and of all people you call me. Why not your boyfriend? And I don't mean the assistant to Padme Amidala's teacher, but the blind lawyer dude." Wade said.</p><p>"Because you're the last person on Earth they'd expect me to call. I need you to get Fury into the International Court, so he can oversee Dukhovich's trial." Elektra said.</p><p>"And don't tell me that there's a puddle of blood there…" Wade said, turning to the bathroom before laughing. "Wait. I saw this film before, in which we played, alongside Gary Oldman, who was the bad guy. Let me guess, in thirty seconds, you and I are gonna argue, then Samuel L. Jackson pops out of the bedroom and I'm gonna kick his ass."</p><p>Elektra rolled her eyes. "I don't have time for your fourth wall breaking bullshit, Wade, are you going to help me or not?"</p><p>"Oh, let me think about it, uh…" Wade faked thinking about it and before he could answer, on cue, Fury came out of the door. "Oh, I love this part of the film."</p><p>"Is that blood dude here…" Fury trailed off upon seeing Wade and pulled out a gun, glaring. "What the fuck—"</p><p>Wade quickly disarmed Fury but Fury pulled out another gun and they struggled before Wade kicked the gun off Fury's hand and Fury pulled out another gun and they briefly exchanged blows before Fury slammed Wade to the wall and kicked the gun off his hand. Wade pulled a gun out of his holster as they exchanged blows before he and Fury grabbed each other by their wrists.</p><p>"Do you know how long have I been waiting for this?" Fury quipped and Wade looked down, smirking. "Oh, no, no, no, I'm not gonna look."</p><p>Wade smiled as he turned to the screen, addressing the viewers. "Kids, if you've seen The Hitman's Bodyguard, you know what happens next. And here comes Samuel L. Jackson's favorite word."</p><p>Wade kicked Fury in the leg, where was his wound as Fury groaned in pain. "Oh! Motherfucker!"</p><p>Wade pinned Fury to the doorsill as they aimed their guns at Elektra, who pulled out her own gun before Wade disarmed Fury but Fury managed to take the gun back as Wade pulled the magazine out of the gun as Fury aimed at him.</p><p>"Hey, hey, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, let's just talk about this, OK?" Wade said.</p><p>"Even a dumbass like you is smart enough to keep one in the… pipe…" Fury rolled his eyes as he started to bleed from the wound on his leg, passing out from the blood loss. "Oh, shit."</p><p>Fury fell down as Wade smirked. "And nighty night. Fellas, as much as I love The Hitman's Bodyguard, reruns are kind of boring. Someone should talk some sense into Bl4ckHunter for his crazy ideas."</p><p>Elektra was tending to Fury before she started swearing at Wade in Greek.</p><p>"Jesus, and you want me to protect this dude? Look at my shirt!" Wade said.</p><p>"<em>Shut up for two seconds!</em>" Elektra yelled as she tended to Fury's wound and pulled out her phone, calling for transport.</p>
<hr/><p>Few hours later, Fury came to, with blood transfusion attached to his hand. "What…"</p><p>"Wake up. Here comes the part, where you get roughed up trying to run, when the assassins come after you." Wade said as he smacked Fury on his face. "This place has two stairwells, no fire escape…"</p><p>"…or adjacent rooftops. You're not the only observant motherfucker on the planet." Fury said.</p><p>"My job is to keep you out of harm's way." Wade said. "Shit, why am I repeating the same lines from the film? And wait, here's the part, where Fury laughs and says…"</p><p>"Shit, motherfucker. I am the harm's way." Fury said smugly.</p><p>"And then we get another problem here." Wade said.</p>
<hr/><p>"Shots fired! I repeat, shots fired!" A policewoman announced as SWAT team burst into the hotel.</p>
<hr/><p>Wade and Fury went down the corridor and noticed a guard at the stairwell as Fury rushed in and shot down some of the hitmen before Wade face-palmed.</p><p>"Well done. Guess what happens now, kids?" Wade said as police was running up the stairwell. "And now we have a new problem."</p><p>Wade and Fury ran down the corridor, while Wade engaged two hitmen coming out from one of the doors, knocking them out, while Fury shot another one coming from the door.</p><p>"And here's one of my favorite parts, kids." Wade said as they ran up on the rooftop, with a police helicopter shining a light on them as they were on the edge of the rooftop and saw a dumpster as they looked down from over the ledge. "No way we can make that jump."</p><p>"It beats the hell out of whatever comes through that door." Fury shrugged.</p><p>"Please, just be intelligent and don't try to jump like Darius Kincaid, your character from that film." Wade said and just as he finished the sentence, Fury jumped over the gap, trying to get onto the rafter but he could barely catch the rafter as he fell down and hit the rafter instead before falling into the dumpster.</p><p>"Oh, motherfucker! Oh! Shit!" Fury groaned in pain.</p><p>Wade rolled his eyes and shook his head as he climbed down the ladder as Fury crawled out from the dumpster. "Made that jump with one leg."</p><p>"I made that jump with no jump. Really, just going through the motions." Wade muttered.</p>
<hr/><p>Later, Wade went out on a coffee in a restaurant, while Fury was talking on a phone before gunshots rang out.</p><p>"God damn it, here we go again. At least Fury's not shouting 'I guess the bullets are allergic to me, motherfucker.'" Wade muttered as he drank himself a bottle of vodka. "Seriously, Samuel L. Jackson singlehandledly ruined the word 'motherfucker.'"</p><p>Fury was running down the street as some cars chased him but a tram got in their way as Fury jumped on the ledge of the tram and Wade rode a motorbike, chasing the tram, with the mercenaries and the police chasing him and Fury as well.</p><p>Fury jumped off a bridge onto a boat, driving down the river as Wade rode through the marketplace, evading the mercenaries and police and throwing some panties off his helmet. Wade pulled out an SMG and fired at one of the cars chasing Fury as the car flipped over and crashed, while Fury threw a grenade into another car as it exploded.</p><p>In front of Fury on a bridge above appeared a mercenary with an RPG as Wade drove on a roof of a boat onto the bridge and knocked the mercenary down as the RPG exploded. Wade sighed in relief at Fury being safe before groaning, knowing what would happen next.</p><p>"Oh, shit." Wade said before a car rammed him, knocking him down.</p>
<hr/><p>"Where is Fury?" The mercenary asked as Wade was restrained to the chair.</p><p>"Honestly, I'd tell you if I knew. Scout's honor." Wade said, doing a gesture with his hand. "You see that? It's Boy Scout's salute. It means we are sworn to tell truth. I took an oath. And, please, don't pull out the BUCKET OF WATER AND A PIECE OF CLOTH! NOT WATERBOARDING! NO SHOCKS! NO! ANYTHING BUT THAT!" He panicked as the mercenaries brought in a bucket of water, a piece of cloth and a car battery attached to cables. "IDIOTS, YOU USE THAT, FURY'S GONNA KICK YOUR ASSES!"</p><p>The mercenaries laughed as they put the cloth on Wade's face and poured water on him, making him feel like he was drowning before they shocked him with the cables, placing them on his head.</p><p>"Where is Fury?" The mercenary asked.</p><p>"He's right behind you, dipshit." Wade said.</p><p>The mercenaries were about to electrocute Wade again before Fury showed up from the shadows, shooting them down.</p><p>"You OK?" Fury asked.</p><p>"I'm good. We gotta get to SHIELD. Now." Wade said.</p><p>They both ran down the corridor but got separated as the mercenaries chased them, with Fury driving away in a car.</p><p>Wade entered a restaurant and was in the kitchen and picked a rolling pin, using it as a weapon as he knocked out one mercenary, but the other mercenary tackled Wade, pinning him to the wall. Wade grabbed a bowl of vegetables, hitting him in the face and pinning his face to the griller, burning the merc's face before he picked a frying pan at a bigger mercenary but it didn't faze him. The mercenary cornered Wade as he hid behind some shelves. Wade dodged as the mercenary threw a pan at him and Wade grabbed a chain, wrapping it around the merc's neck, choking him before Wade grabbed a knife, stabbing the merc in the chest as he fell down, dead.</p>
<hr/><p>"Where the hell are you?" Elektra asked over the phone.</p><p>"Right here." Wade said as he entered with Fury into the International Court.</p><p>"Where's Dukhovich?" Fury asked as they looked around.</p><p>"Where are the guards?" Elektra asked and Wade rolled his eyes and groaned.</p><p>"Great. My fucking least favorite part." Wade said and on cue, he got shot in the chest by Dukhovich and an explosion followed, knocking most of the people down, with Dukhovich and his mercenaries running.</p><p>Fury glared, chasing Dukhovich, who ran up on the rooftop, while shots rang out, with Wade getting shot in the chest and leaning onto the wall as Elektra shot down some of the mercs and held Wade's wound.</p><p>"You're bleeding." Elektra said.</p><p>"I'll be fine." Wade assured. "I've seen this film before."</p><p>Elektra was about to kiss Wade but he stopped her. "No. You belong with… fuck, not Affleck, he's got Jennifer Garner. Well, Charlie Cox is handsome but his TV series were cancelled, fuck Disney. And I was married to Black Widow and then I got married to Carol Ferris… and as much as Ian Boothby is a nice guy… uh, to hell with this, I'll never get this opportunity again."</p><p>Wade and Elektra kissed as she held his wound.</p>
<hr/><p>Dukhovich ran on the rooftop before Fury shot him in the leg as Dukhovich laughed, facing Fury.</p><p>"Go ahead! Finish me! My people will rise up! Are you ready for a war?" Dukhovich said.</p><p>Fury suddenly laughed hysterically. "I don't give a fuck about all of that! You fucked up, when you shot… my… bodyguard."</p><p>Dukhovich stared at Fury, puzzled. "Who?"</p><p>Fury kicked Dukhovich off the rooftop as Dukhovich screamed.</p>
<hr/><p>"Oh, did I forget something?" Wade wondered and on cue, Dukhovich crashed on a car as alarm blared. "Oh, right, Fury kicking Gary Oldman off the rooftop onto a car with a bang! And before this ends, I hope I get to deck Fury at least—" He turned to the screen as end credits rolled and Wade looked angry. "No! Fuck you, Bl4ckHunter, you're ruining all the fun!"</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>No, I'm not, at least to myself, Wade! :-P</p><p>The bantering part I skipped, since I had no clue how to make a fun out of that one, so I went straight to the action part stuff, plus, as much as Kincaid was an idiot in some moments, Fury wouldn't be, so some funnier stuff I also skip.</p><p>Fun fact, the assistant to Padme Amidala's teacher was a reference to Ian Boothby from Thor: The Dark World, whose actor, Jonathan Howard, dates Elodie Yung in real life and Natalie Portman playing Jane Foster as well.</p><p>This was just for fun, so I hope you got a good laugh out of this.</p><p>So, what do you guys think?</p><p>Please review and let me know if you have enjoyed this one-shot.</p><p>With regards</p><p>Bl4ckHunter</p></blockquote></div></div>
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